A few months ago Ty had a g-tube infection and had to have his blood drawn (the picture above.) I had to go get my blood drawn for insurance a couple weeks ago and he was with me. He keep telling my nurse “This is not about me, its about my Mom” over and over so she wouldn’t accidentally draw HIS blood ;). I gave the nurse my birthday in numbers and Ty asked what I was doing and I explained telling him what his numbers were and he quickly said “Yah ok but this is NOT about me so don’t talk about it.” He knows how these things go, he’s done it more times than I have and had no interest in being part of this one. When the nurse was prepping to put the needle in his little face scrunched up in worry for me and he said “It will be ok Mom but Im not going to watch.” Here is a clip of The Video he took while coaching me- he told me “Good Job Mom, I am SO proud of you” about 10 times through the whole thing. (I am sparing you the parts where he was filming the nurses backside or his knees.)
How sweet is he- but there is no way he could have felt such love and concern for me if he hadn’t been through it himself. I dont love that this is his “normal” but I am so grateful for his big heart. I don’t think I would have ever been brave enough to chose the harder road. Who would? Maybe some would because they are wiser than I am but now I can see that I have empathy for other moms/dads/families in a way I never could have understood before. When I wrote my Boo Hoo Post I got so many emails and comments from people who have felt the same way but maybe never said it out loud (understandable…boo hoo!) It make me feel grateful anytime my struggles make someone else feel less alone, or help me understand in some way what that mom in the waiting room at UCDavis might be feeling, or my neighbor who is going to another IEP is feeling, or how my friend whose husband travels and she has a 1 year old and 4 other kids feels sometimes (its not just moms of children with special needs that need to boo hoo!) I wouldn’t pick the trial but I wouldn’t want to give up what I have learned from it now either. (But why couldnt my trial be too much wealth or beauty? ;))
I still think watching your kids struggle in any way is one of the hardest things. All kids struggle somehow. But I was surprised by my perspective when Jonathan was reading an article about different cures and he asked me if someone said they have a pill that would heal/cure Ben would I give it to him? Of course my knee jerk reaction was YES! But then as I thought about it I realized that wait- I love Ben and Ty for who they are NOW, if there was a “Cure” who would Ben be then? And who am I to say he is isn’t already perfect?! (said the biased mother.) The Ben I know now would be gone.
That thought made my heart drop. So as crazy as it sounds I guess I’m relieved there isn’t the choice to give them an instant cure. Maybe just a way to get their trachs out? THAT I would go for :).
There are moments when my hard days or hearing about someone elses hard day makes me feel like the world is just….sad! But in my heart I know that is not true- I heard this quote in Conference last week. (I still have a hard time calling my boys a “trial” maybe “surprise” fits better…)
“Accept trials, setbacks, and “surprises” as part of your mortal experience. Remember that you are here to be proved and tested, “to see if you will do all things whatsoever the Lord your God shall command you” (Abraham 3:25)—and may I just add, “under all circumstances.” Millions of your brothers and sisters have been or are being thus tested, so why would you be exempt? When these trials come, the adversary’s minions begin broadcasting that you did something wrong, that this is a punishment, a sign that Heavenly Father does not love you. Ignore that! (I love that part!!) Instead, try to force a smile, gaze heavenward, and say, “I understand, Lord. I know what this is. A time to prove myself, isn’t it?” Then partner with Him to endure well to the end. Spiritual confidence increases when you accept that often trials and tribulations are allowed to come into your life because of what you are doing right.” (Read the complete message HERE– so good!)
Trials = bummer. But without them I could never learn certain kinds of empathy. I see it in all my children and it makes me grateful for the little bits I find in myself!