I think one of the hardest things about my anxiety is the loss of control of what I can and can’t do. Until I experienced it I never could have understood how physically exhausting/limiting it is. Another quote that’s been on my fridge for almost 8 years is “Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have is not permanent.” On the hard days I really try to take that to heart.
I miss being more fearless, I miss living my crazy life and not having it get the best of me. But in some ways I know that this anxiety is how my brain/body is telling me that the crazy life needs to simmer down, that I need to take some things off my plate and I know that will help me enjoy my kids, and Jonathan more as well. I think being busy has been a coping mechanism and I dont quite know how to really let certain feelings about the last 8 years come to the surface. It’s easier to just think “it’s all fine!” and overall, when I am thinking about the bigger perspective I know it is- I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me (and everyone) and I am learning to be more dependent on Him through my struggles. But in the day to day it gets tricky.
Neither Jonathan or I have ever really thought “why me” or “why us” but maybe some feelings that I didn’t have time to feel are coming out by way of anxiety (my own special PTSD :)) now that Ben and Ty have gotten bigger and more independent in the ways they can be.
Today is Ben’s 8th birthday (I’m looking forward to posting about it!) and I guess I am just a little emotional, but not in a Boo Hoo way because it was a really sweet day. Tonight I am feeling so grateful for my little family despite my crazy anxious brain!